Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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