I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
