I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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