I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
