I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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