You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
