I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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