The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
ttyl tear gas
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
