you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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