We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
