Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
