she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
