so that wasnt chicken after all
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
