why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
