We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
