in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
