How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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