Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
