Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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