Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is Oprah even human
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
