I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
