The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
