Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
