Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
