first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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