He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
