I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
