if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
