He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
