i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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