we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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