It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
sarcasm needs its own font
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
