you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
These tits shall not be calmed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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