I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
