Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
