dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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