Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
