I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
