wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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