dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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