Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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