I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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