bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
