take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
