You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The uberlube is also flammable
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
