He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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