So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
