I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
