Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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