please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
