You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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