I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
