I am in a vortex of obligation.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
