apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
