just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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