If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
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WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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