I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
