You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
